Saturday, July 10, 2010

The Clingers

Before I get this interesting post going, I just wanted to let you know, like i predicted Mr. Not So Casanova totally texted me last night! HAHAHA, I told you he would. Because he is A Clinger.

Oh the clingers, we all know them. Those obssessed people that you wonder the next day, what was I thinking. I do not understand how clingers understand that a single hookup could lead to anything more.

The one night clingers: Now when you meet some one and hookup with them in the same night, it is pretty obvious, especially if alcohol is involved, it is not going to go anywhere! So why do the clingers somehow get your number, and text you after saying I had a great time tonight :) or maybe we can get dinner tommorow and get to know eachother, or my personal favorite, the wake up text- heyy you :). I mean give me a break, if I was interested I would have texted you. Now when they add you on facebook that same night, oh man is that priceless. Then you look through there pictures and ask yourself, shit is that what they really look like in the light?

I hung out with Banana last night and we were exchanging awsome clinger stories, which gave me the idea of this post. So here is one from her vault:

Banana has made many poor decisions in her younger years. And the story of her first Asian is one of them. At the beginning of Banana's sophomore year of college she was invited to a frat bar night. Her friend Sharon invited Banana. It was Sharon's friend Alan’s fraternity’s thing. Banana had met Alan a few times before and he seemed like a nice enough guy. They all pregamed at his dorm room. There are like 8 people cramped in to this tiny dorm room. At the time Banana was still known as “The Tank”, meaning, as you all know, she could handle her liquor.

Banana gets challenged to a shot contest or she was calling people pussies for not drinking. The details are fuzzy. At any rate, she finds herself all over Alan. Please note that this is still in the dorm room. They have not even gotten to the bar yet. Needless to say, she was a fucking train wreck by the time they do get to the bar. Once there she makes a beeline for the dance floor with Sharon. They dance for a while and then some people Sharon knows come in and she goes over to talk to them. Banana, of course, run into some people from freshman year and start to hit on them. Story of my freaking life. Banana runs back into Alan and tell him they should get some drinks… as if she was not drunk enough already.

Alan insists on buying her drink. I am not one to complain. He must have tipped that bartender really well because her kamikaze was super strong. After two slips, she didn’t want to drink anymore. Somehow they were sitting on the couch. Bananas solution to her drink being too strong is to make out with Alan. Now Alan is not terribly attractive, but he is not unattractive either. After a few minutes of making out—by the way, the couch was in clear sight of everyone in the bar. I know, super classy right?—Alan gets up. He says that he has to go say hi to some people that had just walked in. “I will be right back. You will wait right here, right?” “Sure.” “Don’t go anywhere.” Alan was not a very good kisser. Some might actually classify him as bad. Banana was super drunk, so she was not sure she was in a position to judge.

Banana hung around for about two minutes, but then my self-defense mechanism kicked in. When she gets too drunk for a situation or party, she just leaves. No goodbyes or good nights. she just goes home. It keeps her out of too much trouble. Anyways, it takes her 5 minutes to walk the 10-minute walk home. In that period of time she manages to call 5 people and have two conversations. When she gets home, Banana passes the fuck out in her bed. She wakes up the next morning to 15 missed calls and 4 messages. The first message is from one of my high school friends telling me to call her back in the morning when she is sober. The next 3 voicemails are from Sharon along the lines of “Banana, where are you? Banana, Alan is looking for you? He is kind of pissed. Banana, Alan is really mad. Where the fuck are you?”

Oops. Now, of course, after this night Banana sees Alan fucking EVERYWHERE. Fortunately she had not given him her phone number. She spends the next year living in bushes as she dives into one every time she sees him. He also totally deleted her on facebook as they are not friends anymore… that actually makes me laugh a little bit.

Anyways, flash-forward a year and half, this past May Banana was having dinner with some friends and they were talking about horrible hook-ups. She obviously told this story. This girl, let’s call her Seabiscuit (Banana actually has a super hard time remembering her name as I can tell you), says, “Hold up, is that Alan X you are talking about?” Banana nods her head. “Oh my god, he thought we were dating for the longest time. That story is so Alan.”

Now Seabiscuit’s best friend and Alan’s best friend are dating each other. So Alan and her end up hanging out with the happy couple all of the time. Seabiscuit got really drunk at a party and made out with Alan for a few minutes. That was her fatal mistake. Alan asked her to lunch one day. Seabiscuit thought it was just as friends. Then Alan paid and would not accept money from her. She heard about a week later from someone that she was in fact dating Alan. This was news to her. She called Alan. He said they should talk about it over dinner. Seabiscuit agree. Alan paid again. This was getting out of hand. Seabiscuit had to set him straight in front of a bunch of people at a party to make him get the picture. She still has to run interference to make sure people know that she is not dating Alan.

Talk about clingy. They drank and laughed about what a horrible kisser Alan was. She kept telling Banana not to feel bad about what she did to Alan. It was for the best. Now he would never cling to Banana.

Keep living the dream and makin' memories.


  1. let's be honest. we would have nothing to talk about if it weren't for clingers.

  2. I know, the clingers in peoples lives are what shape our other relationships.